I wanted to call her today so badly.
I wanted it to be like all the other times I called her just to vent. She’d answer the phone and I’d tell her that I just wanted to bitch and she’d tell me to hold on while she got some fresh water and got comfy beside one of the dogs on the couch. And I’d hear the flick of her lighter and the sound of her inhaling that first drag and then she’d say, “There now. Okay, what’s up, chickie?” and I’d let loose and ramble on about all the stupid things that were pissing me off. And she’d listen and say all the right things and when I hung up the phone I’d feel like all was right with the world again.
I wanted to call her today so badly and tell her about the shiner Julia gave Oliver when she bashed him in the face with a plastic bowling pin this morning. I wanted to tell her about the fucking bitches that work at the cold deli at the grocery store and how every time I’m there they treat me like dog shit and make me feel guilty for having the audacity to have them cut me a half pound of roasted turkey breast and how I’m not going to shop there anymore, ever again, and how I got the store manager’s name and phone number so I can call him during his next shift and tell him why he is losing a longtime customer. I wanted to tell her how I try so hard to stay calm and keep my cool with Oliver but sometimes he is so difficult to deal with, and it overwhelms me, and how there are times when he’s screaming and kicking and hitting and I don’t know what the right thing is to do.
I wanted to tell her about how today when I tried to put him in his booster seat for lunch he totally lost it and started flailing around and I almost dropped him on the floor and I had to fight to keep him in my arms, and how he grabbed chairs and lifted them up and tried to throw them, and then started smacking me, and I couldn’t get him upstairs and in his crib fast enough. I wanted to cry about that with her, and tell her that as much as I love him there are times when I really don’t think I can handle him for much longer, when he gets like that, all angry and aggressive and squirrelly.
I wanted to call her and thank her for putting up with me, because I see myself in Oliver’s demands, in his lack of patience, in his short temper. I wanted to ask her where she found her motherly patience, what part of herself she had to reach into and drum it up from, because I can’t seem to find mine anymore and on days like today when all her grandson is interested in doing is throwing food and toys and himself around I just want to open up my lungs and scream at him to stop stop stop. And I wanted to call her just so I could tell her that I get it now. I understand. Everything she tried to tell me before I was a mother myself, that I was incapable of hearing, of truly understanding and absorbing, I do now. I get it now.
When Life Gets Real
So this past week, I decided to not only embrace a 21 day fear detox but also really push for turning my new blog into my source of income. What happened was a stream of great news, followed by a stream of obstacles that made me feel like I was punched in my stomach.
The great news was that I landed affiliated partnerships with 6 top name fashion companies, and I was getting big names on twitter recognizing my work.
The obstacles that hit coincidentally the next few days were: a completely wiped out bank account, a bounce rent check and realizing my mail was being sent back to sender (including packages to be reviewed for my new blog).
It felt devastating when going through it. Old thoughts such as, this is never going to be resolved, what am I doing, I can’t make a blog my means of support, I am a failure floated in. The reality of the situation is that everything is fixable, and it was within hours of the problem. But it is crazy how a fluke incident can really take a toll on my mental thinking.
Uncontrollable events are going to occur no matter what. That’s life. That’s what happens when going after dreams. I love the one notion, if you have something trying to set you back then you must be going after something great. The message is keep going because you are nearly there.
That is exactly what I had to do. I didn’t fell like it but I picked myself up and dusted my self off. Instead of spending days in fear, anxiety, frustration, and doubt I pushed forward making new connections, more endorsement deals, and met with friends in the area.